Are You Using Your Superpowers?

Yes, you have superpowers. You have strengths and passions that because of their unique combination, make them special. Sure, there are likely plenty of people that are great at the same thing, but they don’t have the same combination of skills that you do. That makes you pretty freakin’ special!

When life gets busy, it can be easy to take these strengths for granted. In fact, we can get so busy focusing on our weaknesses or just trying to survive each day, that we may forget about our strengths and how far they’ve brought us.

I’m reading What Alice Forgot, by Liane Moriarty. The character Alice falls at the gym and hits her head. After speaking to others, she realizes that she has no memory of the past ten years. (You’ll get that book review in an upcoming monthly newsletter that only VIP subscribers get – so subscribe if you’d like in on that.) Anyway, that made me reflect on how much I’ve changed over the past ten years. It’s kind of startling when I think about it. This also caused me to realize something important – it was my strengths that brought every good change I’ve experienced.

Interestingly, it wasn’t always the strengths I recognized that brought about important change. I have often relied heavily on my sense of humor, my love of people, and my optimism to help me get where I was going. But when I look back on the last ten years, there were different strengths that propelled me forward. My willingness to be honest with myself about my shortcomings, my willingness to change, and my willingness to work hard were the ones that showed up the most for me. And I hadn’t really given those strengths any credit before realizing this.

I’m going to take a shot in the dark here and suggest that maybe you’ve done the same thing. Maybe you’ve forgotten that you possess many great qualities, strengths and passions. Maybe there are others you haven’t really paid much attention to. Try that exercise. Think about who you were ten years ago and compare that to who you are today. I’ll bet you’ve grown and learned lots of lessons. I’ll wager that you’ve overcome hardships and difficulties in large part because of your strengths. I bet many of those strengths will help you grow and evolve even more over the next ten years.

Knowing that, are there any strengths you can identify that will help you get where you want to be ten years from now? What aspects of your life would you like to be different and how could your strengths help you get there? These introspective questions can help you achieve your goals. Work on taking an inventory of your many strengths and passions. Bringing these superpowers to the front of your mind will make them that much more accessible to you when you need them. These are “tools” that are at your disposal whenever you face a challenging situation.

A great way to honor these superpowers is to share them, so tell me in the comments section a superpower you possess and how it has helped you in the past. Don’t be shy. Remember, your individual strength may be shared by others, but yours is in a unique combination of others you possess so shine some light on it by sharing in the comments!

Don’t you think it’s time to start using those strengths to their fullest potential? Are you ready to develop a plan for living a life by YOUR design? Get Un-Stuck and schedule an Empowerment Session! Take advantage of a complimentary strategy session!

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How Our Beliefs Can Limit Us

We all have belief systems. There are things we believe to be true. Mechanically, our brains help us to hold onto beliefs by “proving” them to be valid. For example, if you believe most people are good, you will find plenty of examples in life to prove this to be true. Likewise, if you believe most people are shady, you will find evidence of this as well.

The challenge with beliefs is that they are often limiting. This is true for both negative and positive beliefs. For example, if you believe that everyone is just out for themselves, you may be missing out on connecting with someone who truly wants to offer you support because your beliefs will convince you that they must have an ulterior motive for wanting to help you. Likewise, if you believe that you are so skilled and confident that you really don’t need anyone else’s help, you may face the same problem as the negative belief. You will not accept help. In both of these examples, your beliefs limited your results.

Beliefs, in and of themselves, are not “bad.” It’s up to you to determine which beliefs you’re willing to part with or consider alternatives to. Consider any that may be holding you back. These can often be identified as “reasons” you can’t escape a difficult situation. For example, you may believe if you leave your job, you’ll never find a better one or make the same rate of pay. There are plenty of examples of people leaving a job, struggling a bit, and then catapulting to a whole new level in their career. You may believe that being vulnerable in a relationship makes you appear weak, but if you look, you’ll find plenty of evidence suggesting the opposite is true.

So how can we alter our beliefs or at least be more open to others?

  • Question your beliefs – When you catch yourself, you can ask, how did this belief come into existence? Was it childhood or a bad experience or a scary event? Are you even sure you actually believe it?
  • Avoid totality statements – Words like, ‘always,’ ‘never,’ and ‘every’ should serve as red flags to you. Challenge those totality beliefs.
  • Think of times a belief has been untrue – If your inner critic keeps telling you it takes a long time to learn new things, try to think of times when you picked up on something quickly. Our brains like to make connections, so change the direction to finding examples that disprove our beliefs.
  • Try starting a belief statement with “sometimes” – Instead of making a belief so permanent, like “I’m awkward when meeting new people,” change it to, “Sometimes I’m awkward when meeting new people, and sometimes I’m very comfortable.” This opens up dual beliefs that can open up new perspectives.

When we loosen our grip on our beliefs, we will naturally open up to other possibilities. We no longer need to be confined and limited by what we believe. This opens our minds to new ideas, solutions, and approaches to life. We can be more creative, innovative, and flexible when we can look at the world with alternate views. This can also be very beneficial to our inner world and the beliefs we hold about ourselves.

In the comments section, share a limiting belief you once held and how changing it opened up new possibilities for you.

If you would like to work together and develop a plan for living a life by YOUR design, then an Empowerment Session is for you! Take advantage of the complimentary strategy session!

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Five Love Languages – Touch

Some people just need a hug, a high-five, or a pat on the back to truly feel understood and appreciated. This post is the last segment of the 5-part series featuring a new “language” each month. These are based on Gary Chapman’s book series, Five Love Languages. Each post highlighted a particular language and some suggestions on ways to meet that need for yourself and others.  In October, I shared Words of Affirmation. In November, I shared Quality Time. December was all about Acts of Service and January covered Gifts.  This month will wrap up to discuss the language of touch, those physical gestures that some people need. Let’s review what’s been covered so far:
These are the Five Languages:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Gifts
• Touch

October’s Words of Affirmation shared how these language speakers want you to tell them they rock and why. November’s Quality Time shared how these people prefer focused attention on, or with, them. December’s Acts of Service shared how action and doing something the recipient would greatly appreciate is what tugs these heart strings. And in January we went over Gifts, which are those tangible “things” that let a person know they are loved and appreciated. Now we will close out the series with Touch.

These language speakers are all about touch. Nothing communicates like person to person connection. Touch rewards, soothes and, of course, loves.

Personally, this language speaker likes the obvious like hugging and holding hands. But more subtle signs include when they are listening to a heartfelt story, they may touch the hand of the speaker to soothe or to soften a difficult, yet honest discussion. These lovers are often eye-gazers as well. Touching with their eyes, so to speak. They also tend to be very comfortable being up close and personal with others they know and like, possibly as in ‘intruding-on-their-personal-space’ comfortable. So identifying these language speakers is relatively easy. Some find this a difficult and uncomfortable method of communicating. To the recipient however, this is as necessary as oxygen. Find your most bearable level of comfort and lay it on ‘em. Like the other languages though, remember not just any touch will do. You have to determine their preferences. As they are often so sensitive to touch, doing it “wrong” can have a negative effect. When in doubt, ask.

Professionally, there is not a lot of room for these language speakers, as most touch acceptable in the personal arena, is not appropriate in the workplace. Likewise, even those who prefer the language of touch in their personal lives to feel loved, may not prefer it in the workplace where the required personal connection is missing. Although you’ll see snippets of them as they tend to be the high-fiving, fist-bumping, pat on the back, handshaking folk. Those are pretty much the only acceptable forms of touch in the workplace and even the pat on the back can be annoying to some, so use with caution, always considering how the other person may perceive it, regardless of how you intend it.

Generally, these touchy-feely types love affection and being affectionate. If you identify with this language, remember it can also be off-putting to others at times, so pay attention to the signs others are giving to you. If you’re approaching someone and they take a step back, you likely just barged into their personal space, so be respectful of other’s needs.

Hopefully, you’ve identified your own primary “language” and those that play a significant part in your life, both personally and professionally. Understanding your own languages in those environments can help you communicate your needs better and be aware of how this differs from others. Understanding the language of others will help you show love and appreciation to them in a way that’s meaningful for them. As always, I hope this, and all preceding posts, gave you a new perspective to consider. Perhaps that person who frequently doles out compliments at work would like to receive some Words of Affirmation themselves. Maybe Mom’s complaints about how you never visit, is a sign that she needs Quality Time with you. Seeing your spouse’s face light up because you surprised them with a five-course homemade meal will indicate their need for Acts of Service. The employee who tears up after you present them with a small engraved plaque thanking them for being the Official Morale Booster of 2018 appreciates Gifts like nothing else. And of course, the ever-ready-with-a-hug, lover of Touch, who gets as much as she gives, in every embrace.

All of us need love and appreciation. We may need varying levels of it, but we all need it. Understanding how you need to receive it and how others need you to give it, and acting on that knowledge, will guarantee improved relationships. If you’re still unsure of your language or would like to invite someone else to learn theirs, here are the sites and info to take the online assessments: For the free personal assessment, go to . For the professional version, there is a $15 charge, but can be found at .

You are now empowered to make a difference and communicate more effectively with someone. So go Love on that person you love and get Appreciating those people you work with. Watch how it will ripple through every aspect of your life.

You’re up…if touch is your preferred language, or that of someone you know, what’s a great way to use this appropriately? Also, now is a great time to share your thoughts on any of the “languages,” so head to the comments section to share yours.

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(The Five Languages are based on “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and “The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace” (co-written by Paul White))

Being Your Best Self Every Day

Obviously, we all try to be our best selves every day. But then someone annoying comes along, or a challenging situation presents itself, and VOILA, we are living on a lower frequency. Stuff happens, and striving for perfection is wholly unhealthy. But there are some techniques to help you deal with annoyances and difficulties while still maintaining that ideal version of yourself.

When people or situations come our way, we tend to put our focus on them. We may analyze why someone is behaving a certain way (like the obnoxious tailgater) or figure out how we are going to resolve a problem (like a demanding boss). While there are most certainly times when these tactics may be useful, if your focus is on being your best self, there’s another way.

Let’s say you have an issue that you need to resolve with the electric company. You call and the customer service person gives you serious attitude. In fact, he’s being downright rude. Maybe situations like this in the past have wound you up and resulted in a battle that raised your blood pressure, made the call last longer, and left you feeling exhausted even if you came out victorious in the end. While you may justify your behavior, you likely don’t feel like your best self.

When faced with tough people or times, focus on asking what kind of person would take this situation in stride. What qualities might this person possess?  In the above example, the moment you sensed attitude from the service person, you would recognize your rising blood pressure. This is the point to ask the questions: what kind of person would take this in stride? What qualities would they possess? Perhaps you think a patient person would let the attitude go. So you focus on increasing your patience. Perhaps you think an important quality in this situation would be empathy. You consider the possibility that this person may have just gotten off the phone with an angry, insulting customer and they haven’t pulled themselves together yet. So you start working on showing them empathy. Or maybe the other person is just being a jerk. It doesn’t matter – this is about being the best version of yourself for YOU. The benefits others get out of that is just a bonus. You will feel proud in how you maintained your cool and lived in a higher frequency.

In the book, The Untethered Soul, by Michael A. Singer, he makes this genius reference about having a thorn in your arm. The way he tells it, you think of a sensitivity you have – let’s say you’re sensitive to other people using tone and having a bad attitude. Maybe this makes you feel disrespected. Whatever, it’s your sensitivity. Now imagine this sensitivity is actually a thorn in your arm. Every time someone or something comes in contact with it, it causes you pain and discomfort. You have two choices: You can live life doing everything you can to avoid having the thorn touched and reacting in a predictable way when it is; OR, you can remove the thorn.

It’s not all that easy to just remove a thorn. However, by identifying what your sensitivities are, then imagining what kind of person would be unaffected by them, and the qualities they would need to possess, you will be well on your way to removing the thorn.

What do you think? What’s a quality your ideal self possesses that helps you the most? Share in the comments section.

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Our Two Choices When Facing Challenges

Life throws lots of challenges our way. It is through these that we often learn important life lessons. How we face our challenges is what ultimately leads us to these lessons. Generally speaking, we have two choices when we are confronted with difficulties – Change it or Accept it.

While neither one is necessarily easy, those are our two paths. They both require movement. To change or accept means you are moving towards a desired end result. The alternative to these choices is to do nothing and complain about our circumstances. We know this is unproductive, but we may need to spend some time in this place while we process which action step we will ultimately take – just be sure not to get stuck here. While you could argue that this is a choice as well, it’s not an empowering one and its based on inaction instead of action.

Sometimes, though, we’re not quite sure whether to Change a situation or Accept it. Here are some considerations to make that may help in your decision:


  • You have the ability to change it – most circumstances allow us some control, so take that control and do something different
  • The fear of remaining in the same situation is greater than the fear of changing – Change can be scary, but staying the same can sometimes be terrifying. How do you feel about being in the same situation one, five, or ten years from now?
  • Doing so can help you reach your full potential or a better version of yourself
  • It causes, or has the potential to cause, harm to yourself or others
  • You get excited about the long-term possibilities a change can bring


  • You have little or no control over the situation – an example may be a friend who won’t stop smoking. It upsets you and you worry about them, but you don’t have control over their behavior.
  • You have tried everything in your power – for example, you want to be promoted where you work, but despite all your best efforts, you just can’t seem to get the support. It may be time to accept that advancement isn’t likely to happen there.
  • You are in the heat of emotion – When we are very angry or upset, that may not be the best time to make a long-term decision. Accepting, even if only temporarily, may be the best choice in those heated moments. You can always look back on it when your emotions have settled and reassess.
  • You look into the future and believe you could be happy with staying in that situation. You recognize that you may be going through a phase of contemplation right now.
  • You recognize that short-term sacrifices are likely to result in longer-term happiness. For example, giving up on building the dream house now and settling for (and accepting) a smaller home may allow you to save more money and build that new home later in the future when it’s more within your financial means.

There is the possibility that you can choose both change and acceptance in some situations. This may be accepting a situation while changing your attitude about it. Maybe you have a strained relationship with your brother who is terrible with finances and doesn’t want your unsolicited advice. You can accept that and take the attitude that it’s his life to do as he wishes and when he’s ready to change, he’ll change. Until then, you will continue to have a relationship with him (acceptance), but leave all talk of finances out of it (change).

The most important thing is to ensure you don’t stay stuck in complaining. You may be a victim of your circumstances, but you don’t have to STAY a victim of your circumstances. Change or Acceptance is the way out.

Now I’d like to hear from you! Share in the comments section an important decision you made to either change or accept a challenging situation, and why that was the right choice for you.

If you would like to work together and develop a plan for living a life by YOUR design, then an Empowerment Session is for you! Take advantage of the complimentary strategy session!

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The Main Cause of Relationship Problems

Relationships are important. We are social creatures after all, and the people we choose to spend our time with are important parts of our lives. This makes it very challenging if we are on the outs with someone we care about. More often than not, there is one core cause of all relational strife: expectations. Or rather, failure to have our expectations met.

We all have expectations. Big ones and little ones. We even have these of strangers. We may have the expectation that everyone drives the posted speed limit. Or, that when a cashier invites the “next person in line,” it doesn’t mean the first person who can get there. We expect things of our spouses, friends, family, and neighbors. We all have (what we believe to be) reasonable beliefs of proper behavior. To complicate things further, we attach meaning to these expectations.

If someone lets us down, we aren’t only disappointed, but we give a reason to it. For example, you expect your close friends to remember your birthday. Then, when your birthday has come and gone, and you haven’t heard from one of your nearest and dearest, you are disappointed AND hurt. You believe that if you truly care about someone, you remember their birthday. Meanwhile, your forgetful friend cares very deeply about you, but, personally, doesn’t much care about birthdays one way or the other. It never occurs to her that she may have hurt you by not making certain she remembered your birthday.

The next question, then, is how do we prevent our expectations from breaking down our relationships?  Here are a few tips:

  • Make your expectations known – Do not expect that people will just intuitively know what you need. Spell it out.
  • Share the meaning you’ve attached to your expectations – If you need quality time with your spouse at the end of each day and you believe this means you are valued and loved, be clear that this is how important this time is to you.
  • Understand your expectations may be completely different from others – For example, I have a friend who despises getting gift cards as a gift. She feels they are impersonal and it hurts her to think we couldn’t take a little extra time and thought to get her something special and unique. I, on the other hand, like getting gift cards. We both have totally different expectations, but we took the time to discover these differences.
  • Most expectations are coming from a place of love or fear – Rarely do people have expectations with the intent to be difficult or hurtful. A parent who withholds love, may have done so because they expected the world was hard and wanted to prepare you to be tough. Or a loved one avoids appearing vulnerable because they expect to get hurt if they are.
  • Consider your expectations – Have you ever considered what your expectations are? It may be a very eye-opening exercise. When you actually think about what your expectations are and the meaning you’ve attached to them, you may start to question if you really want to hold on to them. (VIP Subscribers get a PDF download of this exercise – Subscribe today to get yours – It’s Free)

Next time you get in a disagreement, before jumping immediately to the emotion of it, take a step back and try to consider how both your expectations, and those of the other person, could be contributing. It’s much more difficult to feel hurt or angry when you actually understand where another person is coming from. It doesn’t mean you agree, only that you understand. It is this mindset that will prevent problems in the future.

In the comments section, share how understanding your own or someone else’s expectations have helped improve a relationship in your life.

If you would like to work together and develop a plan for living a life by YOUR design, then an Empowerment Session is for you! Take advantage of the complimentary strategy session!

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Written by, You

It’s easy to feel that sometimes we are at the mercy of life’s circumstances. And let’s be honest, some moments we are. But moments are fleeting, and it’s important to keep in mind that you are the author of your life. While life may throw circumstances your way, you get to determine how each chapter ends. You get the last word. If your business goes under, if you get fired, go broke, or get dumped, that’s not where the chapter has to end. You write the last line. You also write the opening paragraph of the next chapter.

When you write your story, it’s not all going to be pretty rainbows and butterflies, because that’s not real life. There will be ugly parts, parts of you and your story that you are not proud of, but that’s okay. The lines in our story, even the chapters of our story, do not make us who we are. They are a part of us, but they are not all of us. If you don’t like how your story is unfolding, write a new one. Change the plot, the setting, the characters, and even yourself if you wish. You get to choose how you react to life’s curve balls.

Life is complicated; we are complicated. That’s the beauty of it. But underneath all of those complications is a really pure version of who we are. This version is always doing the best it can. This version grows and changes, and we, the authors, get to determine how to navigate through the lessons learned, the plot twists, and the overarching desire to matter.

Don’t write your story through the eyes of others. Share their perspective, consider others’ ideas, but it’s YOUR story. You define the meanings; you determine when you’ve succeeded and when you’ve failed. You decide who you are and where you’re going to take your story. When someone criticizes you or tells you that you’re not enough, that’s their story. Don’t make their story your story.

When you embrace your title as author of your story, you empower yourself. You take back control of the parts you have control over. You determine if your story is a tragedy, comedy, drama, mystery or some exciting mixture of all of these. Your non-fiction tale is yours for the telling. It’s your gift in life. There is no editing, there are no re-writes. There is one story. Write it well. Live it well.

Share in the comments section the title of your next chapter.

*This post was originally posted in January of 2017, but I thought it was worth another read.

If you would like some help with your story – if you are experiencing a “writer’s block” in life, then an Empowerment Session is a great place to start! Take advantage of the complimentary strategy session!

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A New Way to Create Your New Year’s Resolution (Even if You’ve Sworn Them Off)

People have some strong feelings about New Year’s resolutions. Some commit fully every year, others swear them off altogether. For those of us who set them year after year, it’s pretty common to lose steam after a little while. Sometimes it’s after a few weeks, and other times a few months.  If you can relate to this, or you have completely sworn off resolutions, I’d like to propose an alternative. What if you could come up with a New Year’s resolution that you could actually keep?  Something you could successfully accomplish every day… Sound too good to be true?

There have been plenty of success stories of people quitting smoking and remaining smoke-free forever after, or creating a healthy routine that helped them lose and keep the weight off. So, if that’s your goal, GO FOR IT!! For the rest of us, one of the problems with past resolutions is that they’ve been so confining…so “pass or fail.” We set up strict parameters and the minute we violate them, we start to lose steam and fall back into our comfortable, old routines (plus we tend to crap talk ourselves for a bit, too). One way to combat this without swearing off resolutions altogether is to paint your resolution with a broader brush.

Instead of being so specific, you can be much more general. For example, instead of saying you are going to eliminate all processed foods from your diet, you could say you’re going to eat healthier. Instead of saying you’re going to workout at the gym 5 days per week, you could say you’re going to be more active each week. Instead of deducting $100 every week of the year for a savings account, you can work on saving more money.

When you take a broader approach to resolutions, it’s much easier to do SOMETHING every week, and maybe even every day that honors it. Instead of feeling like crap for eating the cupcake, you can feel good about eating that apple or making that healthy, all-natural meal. Instead of telling yourself you’re lazy because you skipped Day 4 of the gym, you can feel good about that 30-minute walk you took on your lunch break. It’s better to pat yourself on the back for packing your own lunch and saving yourself $10, than to beat yourself up for having to pull that $100 back out of savings because of an unexpected expense.

All lifestyle changes stick because of the habits that form to support those changes. Trying to go from zero to sixty and stay there is often more than we can reasonably adjust to. Certainly, there are some changes that require full commitment, like quitting something addictive, or taking drastic steps for life-saving reasons, but those tend to be the exception. Starting with a broader goal will allow us to take those baby-steps that will lead to good habits and build momentum. We’ll feel accomplished and want to keep feeling that way by adding new habits and eliminating older ones gradually. This allows us to build up to the more specific, regimented goals. Totally doable, right? RIGHT!

My 2018 New Year’s Resolution is to stretch my comfort zone. That’s it. I’m not getting any more specific than that. That’s something I can do every single day and there are countless ways I could do that. Now it’s your turn to share. What is your New Year’s Resolution? Share in the comments section.

Thank you for reading – Wishing you a VERY Happy New Year!!

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Are You Living on Purpose?

You have likely seen articles about “living intentionally,” but have you ever taken a moment to consider what that means? How much of your week is spent on autopilot? Considering where your life is right now, how much of that is due to you purposefully choosing that life? I know many people who are living a life that they have chosen. Almost everything they do is “on purpose.” They don’t live on auto-pilot. But I know many more who are not living a life this way. They are living based on others’ expectations of them. They are fulfilling the needs of those around them, while sacrificing many of their own. Which of these groups seems to better describe the life you’re living? There is no judgement here; I spent a large amount of time in the second group myself over the years. But there are steps you can take to live more purposefully.

Plan – A common difference between the people in both groups is those who live intentionally, set goals and make plans. They have a vision for their future and give thought to how they want their life to look and what steps they need to take to get there. That doesn’t mean circumstances don’t get in their way or that hardships don’t befall them. Quite the contrary. But they deal with those issues and continue working towards their goals, even if they have to alter them. Now ask yourself: Do you have a plan? Do you have goals you are working towards? Have you defined the steps you need to take in order to be living your life on purpose?

No Excuses – Often, those who are living under the direction of others can be heard explaining why they can’t live any other way. They don’t have time, they don’t have the money, they’ve dealt with more challenges, they’re circumstances are “different.” They are SUCH a special snowflake that they can’t possibly do what others have done. Those living their lives on purpose may get ticked off at circumstances thrown their way, but they don’t use them as excuses to stop trying. Now ask yourself: Are you allowing excuses to stop you? Have you made a plan to overcome your challenges? It’s easy to think of all the things we can’t do, but have you made a list of all the things you CAN do?

Today Equals Tomorrow – Those living their lives on purpose know that today’s behaviors become tomorrow’s results. When they do something today, they consider the impact that behavior will have on their future. They are very intentional about the choices they make today and how that aligns with the vision of their future. Now ask yourself: Did the actions you took today lead you closer to the future you desire? Are you consciously choosing each action you take and how it will impact your future?

I know this may sound as if I’m oversimplifying a complex issue, but it really does come down to these fundamentals. We all want a life that is healthy, happy, and abundant, but that involves many things – health, finances, family, friends, career, and more. Obviously, we can’t focus on 10 goals at once or we’d become overwhelmed. So, start with one or two. What is a priority for you? It could be your health, raising your kids, setting yourself up financially, advancing your career, starting a business, strengthening a relationship, buying a retirement home, or any number of other possibilities.  Focus on the one or two that are most important to you right now and make a plan, ditch the excuses, and take the steps today that will lead you to your ideal tomorrow. Once you’ve developed those habits, you can shift your focus to new goals. It’s hard work, but doing so intentionally and on purpose will get you where you want to be.

Which of those 3 fundamentals have you found most beneficial to you, or which of the 3 do you need to improve on? Share in the comments section.

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Five Love Languages – Quality Time

As more and more conversations centered around communication have surfaced, once a month I’ll be featuring one of Five Love Languages based on Gary Chapman’s book series. Each post will highlight a particular “language” and some suggestions on ways to meet that need for yourself and others.  In October, I shared Words of Affirmation. For November, we’re going to focus on good ol’ QT.

Before we get into that, let’s review:

These are the Five Languages:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Acts of Service
  • Gifts
  • Touch

We all have a primary “language” we speak and need to have communicated to us in order to feel loved in our personal relationships and appreciated in our workplace.  The key is finding out your own language, as well as those you have relationships with in your personal and professional life.  These discoveries will help you communicate and dramatically improve the relationships in your life.  Last month’s post talked about the Words of Affirmation lovers.  These language speakers want you to tell them they rock and why.  This month we will discuss Quality Time.  Remember, your primary and secondary languages may differ between your personal life and business life so view all the languages from two sets of perspectives.  If you’re ready to move on, let’s spend some QT together dissecting this language.

The quality aspect of Quality Time is founded on focused attention.  That means without distractions or other tasks being completed simultaneously.  (Are you listening social media surfers?)

Let’s start from a personal perspective.  The whole point to these language speakers is quality.  Just spending time together may not be enough.  A spouse may wonder, “we just spent six hours at the picnic with our friends and family and you say we haven’t spent quality time together”.  Ah Marone!  The definition of quality time lies in the hands of the one desiring it.  Your first clue is to listen to their complaints:  “you never watch TV with me”, “we never go out to dinner alone anymore”, “why don’t we take day trips together anymore”, “why are you always on that damn phone?”  You get the picture.  Take these not-so-subtle hints as a sign that this person needs a little QT with you.

From a professional perspective, it can be more difficult to determine when a co-worker speaks this language.  Supervisors should regularly set aside scheduled QT time with each direct report.  If you can trickle it down to other levels, great.  Some may be able to pull this off monthly, others only quarterly.  If possible, allow about 30 minutes with each individual.  You’ll start to see which ones need the full amount, and which ones don’t.  Adjust accordingly.  You should be actively listening while the other person is talking.  Remember, this is about Focused Attention.  Paying attention like this will also help you determine each person’s “language”. Even if you’re not a supervisor, a complaining co-worker saying “nobody cares around here”, or “if I could catch Beth’s ear for 2 seconds I could fix this whole problem”, or “nobody communicates anymore”, is likely to speak this language and can be helped following the same steps in casual conversation.  Ask how they’re doing, if they have any ideas or concerns on their mind.  If nothing comes up, just shoot the breeze with them.  Ask about their life outside of work, upcoming vacations, whatever, just make sure they feel they were listened to and valued for their contributions.

Quality Time can be a tough language to speak as we are all so pressed for time, but for those who really need it, providing it can prevent bigger issues down the line that you also wouldn’t have time for.  So get it in your calendar and stop putting it off.  There’s an awesome likelihood that you too will benefit from that quality time!

Is QT a language you’re fluent in?  Share some stories about how to successfully communicate in this language.  Stay tuned for next month’s post on Acts of Service.

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(The Five Languages are based on “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and “The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace” (co-written by Paul White))